Oh, for the hate of Mary Sues!
by Uber Flare
Summary: Don't you tire of endless Mary-Sue stories? This is a parody, with horrible things happening to the 'Sues, poo-colored phases, love pentagons, and Aura, evil.
1. The All Purpose Mary Sue

Author's Note: We've all seen Mary-Sues. They're perfect and have no flaws. They're beautiful. They're incredibly talented and lovable. They make close friends with all of the characters the author likes, and if the author is a fangirl of, say, Elk, he falls in love with her. Sometimes the Mary-Sue is the author inserted into the show or game. They are the focal point of the plot, and they're very strong, maybe even stronger than the main character. This is a parody of a Mary-Sue. It is what one is like, but maybe exaggerated. I hope it's funny…

**Once Again**: This is supposed to be funny because it is exaggerated. It isn't real.

Dedication: _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ and _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy._ Long live parodies!

Disclaimer: I do not own .hack.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Eiko Sagawari. She was very pretty and popular, but she had never played a video game in her life. Ever. She wanted to play The World, but her parents were dead and she lived alone in a little hut in the woods and her life was a sob story, BUT LUCKILY, she made friends with the wolves. She lived with them. Out of nowhere, she developed wolf ears. This made her even more pretty and popular.

One day, she got The World. She was very happy, because she could now play The World. She created a character named Saliharanakari, or just Rana. Rana had purple eyes and blue hair and she was totally hot. Her outfit looked like BlackRose, except it was pink and it was smaller and Rana was hotter. She was ten times hotter than BlackRose, because she was a Mary-Sue.

She was a wavemaster and her staff was special. It had a heart on top, like Helba's in GIFT, except Rana wasn't naked but all the guys wished she was because she was SOOOOOOO hot!

One day Rana was walking through an area called Totally Hot Virgin. I made this keyword up myself and it is very clever. Virgin is actually a third keyword, but I made the other two up because I like this keyword so much. Rana was a virgin, because she was really smart and perfect and never did naughty things, except all the boys at school hit on her and told her they loved her wolf ears.

Anyway, the totally hot virgin (in the area Totally Hot Virgin! Tee-hee!) was walking and then she saw a girl. She was pale and she wore white and she had white hair and blue eyes and Rana thought she was an albino so she said, "Are you albino?"

"No," said the girl, who was pretty, but not as pretty as Rana because Rana is SUPER PRETTY. Just to clarify. Anyway, the girl said, "I am Aura, and you are my last hope. They are coming for me. Only you can save the world."

Aura gave Rana a necklace. It was red and blue and yellow and purple and orange and white and green and every color in the UNIVERSE! Rana thought it was beautiful. She put it on. The girl told her to use it to data drain with it and save The World. Then she disappeared. A creepy thing came. It was poo-colored and had a red wand and was named Skeith, but no one seems to know that. It tried to data drain Rana, but she killed it in one hit, even though she was a wavemaster. This is because she is cool and special.

Rana went back to the root town. She saw Balmung walking through. "Lord Balmung!" she gasped, somehow knowing his name because of her uber-coolness.

He looked at her and smiled because her purple eyes were like gazing into noxious purple gas and her blue hair was like sapphire and he felt his heart beating and he fell in love with her. "Call me Balmung," he said.

Balmung asked her if she wanted to go make out, but she giggled and blushed and said no because she was a good girl. Then he asked her if she would be his girlfriend because he loved her because she was hot. She said yes.

Later, Rana was walking. She was happy, because Balmung, who was SOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOT OMG was her boyfriend. She went to an area that was level 200 but she was strong so she killed as the enemies with her spell "PhaOrBiLaMegaVak Explosion."

She saw a monster that was green because it was a data bug. She gasped dramatically. A boy with blue/green/teal/people-can-never-decide-on-this colored hair ran up. He wore orange. He attacked the data bug but it hurt him bad and he fell to the ground and he couldn't move. "Help!" he screamed. He looked at Rana and thought that at least as he died he would get to look at the most beautiful girl in the world.

"I'll save you!" said Rana. She was very brave. She attacked the monster, but it didn't work. Then she remembered that Aura, whose name she suddenly knew because of her blah blah blah hotness, had said to data drain. Rana data drained using her new necklace. Luckily, this was the equivalent of tightening a noose around her neck and pulling her into the air with it. She choked and Balmung and Kite and Elk and Sora and the hot people were sad.

Meanwhile, Uber Flare gave Aura a high-five and congratulated her on having exterminated another Mary-Sue.

Another Note: Maybe I'll write more. There's many types of Mary-Sues. And if your story looks like this, don't be sad. I once had a Mary-Sue that was helping save the world and was a hero. Eons ago. Just give her flaws. Give her a pimple or a mole, make her hair wiry, or do something so she's not a supermodel. Make her bite her nails or whine or never do any work. Give other characters a chance at the spotlight. You can do it.

And not every character is a Mary-Sue.


	2. The Love Mary Sue

Author's Note: Gasp! Another chapter! Well, since there are so many types of Mary-Sue, I'm doing a chapter for each of them. The first was about the All-Purpose Sue, and this is the Love Sue, where everyone adores her. I hope you like it. '-' By the way, if you read fast like I do, this might not make much sense, so read slow or read aloud.

WARNING: Mia spoiler. Vague, so it doesn't reveal everything, but it's still a spoiler.

Another WARNING: Although rated still in the T range, this chapter is pretty inappropriate. I'm sorry…

Disclaimer: Everything in this story I don't own, I do not own.

Once upon a time there was a girl Miella. That wasn't her name. Her name was Kim, which is my name. And Miella is my nickname. That's because she's like me. (The author's name is not actually Kim, and Miella is not an insert. The author is pointing out how common self-inserts are. Forgive her.)

Her user was a twin blade named Miella, as previously stated. She had luxurious golden hair the color of honey that went halfway down her back. She wore a red belly-button exposing halter-top and a miniskirt. She had pink boots. Also, she had black cat ears and a black cat tail. I will never tell you why, because there is no legitimate reason for this. She was voluptuous. She was a D-cup, or would be, if she wore a bra. She didn't, because she was a prostitute.

One day, Miella logged into The World. She saw a boy. He wore blue and had light blue hair and he was a wavemaster. It was Elk, just so you know. He was crying.

"y r u crying," asked Miella n00bishly.

"I am sad because my best friend died!" Elk sobbed. (Mia, no!)

"oh that is so horrible," said Miella. "my best friends and my siblings and my boy friend all died so my life is very sad."

Elk sniffed and looked at her. "Wow, that's horrible," he said. "You must be very brave to endure all that." He smiled at her, but he was still crying.

"i will b ur friend," said Miella, who hugged Elk. He blushed.

"Let's go to my favorite area!" he exclaimed.

They went to his favorite area.

There was aromatic grass everywhere. Elk started crying again.

"I still miss Mia!" he cried.

"its okay im here 4 u," said Miella, who hugged him again. She wiped his tears away with aromatic grass, which made his eyes red and itchy. Allergies SUCK.

Elk's eyes widened. "Will you be my best friend?" he asked shyly.

Miella agreed to be his best friend. Then Elk gave her a present. It had been Mia's favorite item, but then she gave it to him, and it was his favorite item. It was called Mia's Item.

Miella was very happy he was so selfless. She pinky-swore (Omg! Pinky swears are SERIOUS!) that she would be his best friend forever.

Then they gated out. Elk logged out because he needed to sleep. Miella walked around Mac Anu. A boy with blue hair that wore orange logged in. He looked upset.

"Saving The World is so hard!" he said, frustrated.

"what r u talking about"

"I am saving The World!" he repeated repetitively in a repetitive manner because he was repeating it.

Kite told Miella about his whole story.

"wow u r so awesome," she said admiringly. "i want to help u save the world"

"It's far too dangerous," Kite said valiantly. "I couldn't allow a beautiful lady like you to be harmed!"

"i am strong"

"I can't allow it!"

"i am going to help u any way," said Miella.

Kite reluctantly agreed. They went out and killed a data bug. Miella was a big help. Kite got the best twin blade weapon ever in existence from it. It was level 2 million. It was pink and sparkly and each blade was like a unicorn's horn. He gave it to Miella. (It is under debate whether he gave it to her because he loved her so much and was being a gentleman, or his male hormones would not allow him to wield such a girly weapon.)

They logged out. BlackRose who is OMG SO NOT DESERVING OF KITE (cough) was standing there. (BlackRose DOES deserve him! Rawr.)

"Who is that?" she asked meanly.

"This is Miella," Kite said, looking like a cloud. I don't know how that relates, but he had this dreamy look in his eyes and this dopey smile that most males had when they saw BlackRose. So of course she recognized it.

"How could you betray me?" she screeched like a….must…not…say banshee…must make…original simile…DYING OWL! She screeched like a dying owl!

"You sound like a dying owl," said Kite.

BlackRose started crying.

"I apologize," said Kite apologetically.

Miella draped herself over Kite like a whore.

"go away" was all she said, sticking out a virtual tongue. ":-P"

BlackRose sobbed and jumped into the canal and was about to drown before she was saved by a whale that looked suspiciously like Piros. (Oo)

"I love you," said Kite. They hugged, and he gated out.

Miella was dreaming of Kite when she started dreaming of Elk instead. She imagined making out with Elk, then she imagined making out with Kite, then she imagined making out with both of them at the same time. (OO)

Balmung walked by, and she imagined making out with HIM.

"I'd like to make out with you," she said.

Balmung looked at her, and, since she was dressed like a SLUT, started thinking dirty, dirty thoughts.

They started kissing passionately in the middle of Mac Anu. (Balmung….how…how could you?) This random guy told them to get a room, which was sort of embarrassing, so Balmung killed him.

They got on that little boat in the canal that Subaru rides on like every day but does not seem to be available to anyone else. The sun was setting over the water, and it was really pretty and stuff. They started kissing again, and then they started making out, but they didn't actually do anything bad because there were people watching. One member of the Balmung Fan Club committed suicide by jumping into the river. She didn't drown though; the Piros-whale tried to save her, but BlackRose was still riding on it, and her spikes impaled the depressed fan. Balmung was highly amused.

"I had the best night of my life," said Balmung, looking into her beautiful blue eyes.

"me 2" said Miella dreamily.

They hugged again, and then he told her he had to go. She started crying, because she'd miss him. He gently told her not to cry before kissing her again (Yes, poor Balmung seems to be very involved with this Sue. Read the note at the end. It will surely offer comfort.), and then he gave her a special present. (No, not THAT! oo) It was a set of wings of her very own. They were big and pretty, so now Miella was an angel-cat-person.

He gated out too, so now Miella was alone again. She went and all the men on the streets of Mac Anu bowed down to her. (Below her knees…and she's in a miniskirt…) They gave her random presents, and she was very happy.

Miella started crying again, because she missed Elk and Kite and Balmung. Then a ninja green-haired dude came up.

"I want your member address," he said.

"y"

"Because you're hot. Hand it over."

"y do u want it"

"If you don't listen, I'll have to kill you. Give it to me or I'll kill you."

"u can have it bcuz ur cool"

Sora got her member address, but the thought of killing her still lingered in his mind. He decided against it, because he could not kill such a beautiful female.

"Let's go PK people!" he exclaimed!

"no that is bad except 4 ppl like lios then u can kill them bcuz he sux"

Sora's eyes widened. His Player Killer side melted away. He no longer wanted to harm people. He was now a saint, and would grow up to create a nonprofit orphanage for little starving hobo children and three-legged dogs, but that isn't really on-topic.

"I love the world!" he exclaimed.

Miella smiled, happy. "good let's go get busy"

Sora didn't want to get busy, because he was only ten years old. He sorta got freaked out. She told him she was joking. Sora felt better.

"u r so neet" said Miella.

"Thanx," said Sora. "Er…_thanks_."

"ur welcom"

Sora and Miella went out and saved the grunties from extinction. They did many good deeds (within an hour) and become superhero partners.

'That was so cool," said Sora as they sat on a little ledge on the edge of Carmina Gadelica, feet dangling above the infinite abyss. A random, crazed person with "Flare" on her shirt ran up and tried to push Miella off the cliff, but Sora bravely defended her and Flare went back to her computer and resumed being a nerd.

Sora gated out because he had to go to bed so he could wake up early and start a campaign to save the endangered Humpback Piros Whale.

Miella thought about all of her new friends: Elk, Kite, Balmung, and Sora. If you fuse them, you get Elkitebalmora.

Miella started sobbing hysterically because her best friends and her boyfriend(s) and her siblings had all died. She wanted to make out with Elk and Kite and Balmung and Sora. She logged out, still sobbing, and went to bed.

The next morning, Miella logged in. She still had tears on her face, but she wasn't red and blotchy and hideous because she was so pretty (almost as pretty as Rana!) that she could never be less than gorgeous.

"Miella! You're crying!" exclaimed Elk, who rushed up to her.

"What?" Kite burst out, running over.

"She's crying?" Balmung gasped, flying over to her.

"No!" Sora cried, glomping her.

They all stared ominously at each other.

"I was crying because I missed you all," Miella gasped.

Then, in eerie unison, they all yelled, "I thought **I** was your boyfriend!"

They all glared evilly.

"She's mine!" cried Elk. "All our friends have died, so we have something to share! And I gave her my favorite item and WE HUGGED! We're best friends!"

"We hugged too!" yelled Kite. "And I told her I loved her and I gave her the level 2 million blades!"

"Well WE made out! And we kissed!" Balmung interjected. "And I gave her those wings connected with my life, so now my life is shorter by a day!" He gasped dramatically. "So she's mine!"

"We would have got busy," argued Sora, "But I'm too young! But we saved the grunties together!"

A squabble erupted amongst the love pentagon (except for Miella, who just stood there, bawling.) Then, a silence came over them. They all realized that Miella had cheated on them.

"Liar!" screamed Elk.

"Two-timer!" screamed Kite.

"Adulterer!" screamed Balmung.

"Um….jerk!" screamed Sora.

They all knew that Miella had betrayed them, so they left her. Kite and BlackRose got busy….fighting phases….yeah…and Elk met a wonderful new girl named Flare and they were about to become best friends when Aura barged in ranting about hypocrisy and Mary-Sues and dragged Flare off. Balmung resumed posing for his fan club, and Sora went back to stalking Bacon Tomato. All was well.

Except for Miella. She let out a single, heart-rending sob, reminiscent of her glorious singing ability, and collapsed. Marlo was walking by, and her heard her cry. Its purity (yeah, right) touched his soul, and his evil melted away. He was suddenly really nice, and his voice was no longer strident; it was HOT. He took off his armor, and he looked exactly like Orlando Bloom, so he and Miella skipped off into the sunset. They started a wonderful relationship, which ended when Marlo found her kissing a random guy an hour later.

As for Miella, well, in the real world she ended up having twenty illegitimate children, all with different men, and died at the age of thirty-five after being raped by a successful business man.

Author's Note: If Miella's relationship with Balmung made you sad or downright angry, well…IT WASN'T BALMUNG. It was actually TERAJIMA RYOKO, after dying her hair white and getting extensive plastic surgery. Yeah…0o


End file.
